Well, Here It Goes

It's been barely over two weeks and I already want to stop. I don't like the meds. I don't like how I feel--tired, nauseous, sick. But if I want to feel better eventually, I have to keep going.

I don't like that I wonder what it would be like to take all the pills at once. I don't like seeing a car speeding towards me and wanting to jump in front of it. I don't like not wanting to do anything. I don't like crying every day.

And again, I must keep going if I want to feel better eventually.

I do it not for me. I do it for him. I do it for them. For my Alborotito, who lost her own battle. For my Gordito, who's fighting his own demons. For my Manita and my Mami. Because I know how much they'd suffer, I have to keep going. I have to keep trying no matter how hard it is.

"You think that Luck

Has left you there.

But maybe there's nothing

up in the sky but air.

And there's no mystical design,

No cosmic lover preassigned.

There's nothing you can find

that can not be found.

'Cause with all the changes

you've been through

It seems the stranger's always you.

Alone again in some new
wicked little town."

Hedwig - A very smart woman